Athlete Creator

I’m not one to f*ck with nature. Nature naturally runs off cycles. There’s high’s and then there’s lows. You need examples? Weather, the stock market, the climate, your bank account…everything! Whether you want to accept it or not, everything runs in cycles. The best you can do is love life when you’re “high” and ride it out when you’re “low”.

So what does that bit of philosophy have to do with drinking? Idk (I don’t know). I just wanted to sound smart in my drunken stupor as I write this…

From what I have observed, there are three phases of drinking: the discovery stage, the party stage, and the acceptance stage.

The Discovery Stage

As the title depicts, this is the stage where you first discover alcohol. If you’re from the upper midwest, Noteably: Wisconsin, Minnesota, The Dakotas, and Michigan. This happens around the age of 13 or 14. This stage can actually last several years. At this stage of the game, you don’t really care what you do as long as there is alcohol involved. That includes house parties, field parties, boat parties….wherever. If there’s booze and no supervision, you’re there. This easily includes the first 2 years of college as well.

Why do I include college? Cuz most of the upper midwest (I’m from an unincorporated VILLAGE in Wisconsin) towns are NOT crawling with hot chicks….and in turn, the hot chicks are limited to only a couple decent looking doods. So, while you’re first discovering booze in high school and your first couple of years in college, there is absolutely a primal, get your groove on, instinct.

During this stage you have exactly 2 things on your mind: how f*cked up can I get, and how f*cked up can I get and still score?

There’s really little else to it. Booze and hooking up is all that’s on your mind.

Hormones are a b*tch.

The Party Stage

This stage is only *slightly* more laid back. You’ve learned some things; your hormones aren’t quite as out of control; and you’ve kind of figured out how much you can drink before being completely useless……..but hooking up is still fun.

This stage is the shortest of all stages because it’s kind of the most boring. This is where you’ve finally realized that you can only do 3 beer bongs or drink just one liter of booze before you pass out. Therefore, you stop drinking, or limit yourself, before you get that far. The point at this stage is to have a good time….while still keeping an eye on the opposite sex (or whomever you may be interested in….I don’t judge).

The difference between this stage and the next is the watchful eye on whomever you’re intersted. At this stage you are still most definitely interested in hooking up with whomever and however as much possible. (I’m not sure if that is grammatically correct, but I can’t concentrate right now.)

Right now you are figuring how much you can drink before being completely incapacitated yet still “function” if you happen to trick whomever you’re interested in, in spending the night/rest of your life with. (I’ve seen that happen.)

It is, by far, the most fun stage of the game. It is also the most brief stage of the game…

The Acceptance Stage

At this stage, you have probably got *most* of the drinking out and *most* of the whoring out. There’s really no more reason to drink other than you like getting drunk…let’s not turn this into a psychological debate, mkay?

By this time, you’re drinking because you like drinking and enjoy the company you’re with. This can be friends, family, or if you’re really adventerous, random strangers. Regardless, it’s people that you want to be with and have a good time…..not people you’re with because you want to hook up with or prove that you can do 6 beer bongs in an hour.

You’re here now because you genuinely like the company of the other people, the flavor of the drink, and the state of euphoria (drunkeness, which is awesome, is just an added bonus). At this stage of the game, you should probably be only 25, 26, 27. If you haven’t gotten the “drink until you can’t feel feelings” urge out of your system by then, you may have some underlying issues you might want to get checked out.

As I alluded to in the beginning, I really really do enjoy drinking…due to my wonderful Wisconsin/Polish upbringing. I’m not going to fight that. Nor do I expect a college student to fight the urge to go out and party. It’s going to happen. It’s going to happen often.

The point of this is to not fight it, yet still achieve your goals. All of your goals, whether it be personal life or professional life are intertwined. Once you set a hierarchy of intermingled goals (personal and professional), you can begin to accomplish them without feeling negligible to the others.

If your drinking habits inhibit your personal goals (career, physique, relationship, financial etc.), you should probably cut back on getting f*cked up every weekend.

If your only goal is to barely skate by, NOT have the body you want, NOT save money for retirement, and NOT give two shits about where you’ll be in 10 years, by all means, drink your life away.

Life is really nothing more than a set of goals determined by you. Your life, and your goals are all that matter. If drinking until you can’t feel feelings is one of them, that’s up to you and where you’re at. I won’t judge you, but at the same time, don’t come talk to me about how much your life sucks.

I really have no idea where or how this post took a turn, but obviously it did. I blame the Bud Light Liime (aka: Blime). Yes, you heard that right, f*ckin Blime. Sorry, okay. I too have guilty pleasures and Blimes on a 90 degree day on the water with family happens to one of them. My normal drink of choice is Oatmeal Stout Beers. Sue me. Hope you enjoyed that…

- Dave