I just got back from the Farmer’s Market and had so many random thoughts whilst I was there, I needed to hurry up and get back to my apt. so I could get them down before I forgot…..and the caffeine induced hilarity wears off.
Some people think that going to Farmer’s Markets doesn’t take any planning. They just go there all willy-nilly without a plan. Let me tell you, that is a DISASTER waiting to happen. (Probably not, but it gets you pumped to read this, right? RIGHT?!) So, this is my step-by-step ritual every Sunday when I go there.
1) Wake up, feel like P. Diddy, piss excellence, turn my swag on. (My Facebook friends probably recognize that from my status. Hey! It was a good one that barely got any comments, ok?! Gosh!)
2) Grab the sales flyer to see what sales the local grocery store has going on. Unless you’re one of those hippies that get all warm and fuzzy inside from supporting your local growers, there’s no reason to pay double what it costs in the grocery store sometimes.
3) Go to the Farmer’s Market. (They don’t have online shopping yet.)
4) Head straight to an Espresso stand. I suggest a large hazelnut, french vanilla WITH whipped cream. Add cinnamon and nutmeg as desired.
5) This is where most of your time is spent. Walk around the entire Farmer’s Market. This one is huge so one time through all the stands and booths is approximately how long it takes me to drink my espresso.
5a) There’s also TONS of food stands around. Take in all the glorious smells and let your mouth water. Feel free to imbibe if your diet allows it.
5b) While walking around, take note of what each stand has. If you want to be real nerdy about it, write down the booth number as you pass by. Personally, I just make a mental note of anything. Worst case scenario is that you forget where you saw it and end up walking around for a half hour trying to find it. That may, or may not, have happened to me today.
5b-I) Even though I’m not hiptastic, I still believe in supporting the local growers. Pretty much everything is priced identical from stand-to-stand so if you have the option of buying local vs. buying something shipped in, go the local route. They normally have signs up identifying if they’re local.
5c) You’re not only taking note of what stands you’d like to come back to buy stuff from, but you are also eye-raping the shit out of every hot chick you see. Some of the vendors purposely hire college chicks to dress in tight shirts and short shorts to sell their product. I fully support this method.
(** Editor’s note: Eye-R*ping will be abbreviated to “ER” from now on to mitigate the risk of my website being blocked again. **)
5c-I) (Can you tell I’m adding things in at the end?) Besides ER’ing, you should just people watch in general. People of all shapes, sizes, races, and walks of life come out. I do, however, suggest keeping your comments to yourself and not the stranger standing next to you.
5d) Find something really weird to try. 2 weeks ago I found duck eggs and goat meat. The goat was amazing. The duck eggs, not so much.
6) Ok, you’ve taken note of where everything is and finished your coffee/espresso/deliciousness. Now it’s time to shop. This shouldn’t take long unless you forget where sh*t is.
6a) I usually start at the end furthest away from where I parked and work my way back.
6b) While shopping, continue ER’ing anyone you please, including repeat victims if you see them more than once (whether by coincidence or on purpose). They wouldn’t dress like that if they didn’t want it.
7) Head back to your domicile and take care of your Sunday morning bounty.
FIN
ER, offensive at first, increasingly comic and hilarious on multiple/casual uses.
I am pretty disenchanted with the Farmer’s Market. Can you show me the farm in Minnesota where they grow grapes, strawberries, and pineapples and they are ripe in May?
@Adam
I was unaware that ER’ing could be offensive. Perhaps that’s why there’s only 2 comments. lol
@David
The people that have stuff shipped in are the reason I look at the sales flyers before I go. I don’t feel bad for “not supporting” them if I can get the same shit cheaper at a grocery store. However, like I said, the local people have signs identifying them as such, so the 2 bags of lettuce mix are local. The grapes and green beans just happen to be cheaper at the market then at the store. And as I pointed out, ER’ing is a major draw and it’s a good way to kill a lazy Sunday morning. Lastly (sorry), it’s hard to find duck eggs or goat anywhere else.
i find myself throwing away to much “fresh” produce..
do you have tips to storing them? or incorporating of it into my diet where i dont have to hate it lol
PS, I’m in something at school that involves me being paid to tell the most off-the-wall jokes I can. I’m steal ER and putting it into my material.
@Derrick
My suggestions are 1) Don’t buy so much if you know you probably won’t eat it, and 2) Find some recipes ahead of time so you DO know you’ll eat it AND like it.
@Adam
I’ll expect some sort of royalties….or at least a shout out in front of the class. Hahaha.